The Truth About Relationships: Why Love Is a Choice, Not Just a Feeling

What 29 Years of Marriage Have Taught Me

I’ve been married for 29 years. And yes—we’re still happy.

But have there been hard times? Absolutely.

I think there’s a dangerous myth that a good relationship should always feel easy. That love should be effortless and that any bumps mean something’s wrong. But the truth is, relationships—real ones—take work, patience, and a willingness to grow together.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned over the years is this: love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a decision. A choice you make—sometimes daily—to show up, to listen, to adapt, to stay connected, especially when life gets messy.

Why Relationships Feel So Hard Sometimes

When two people come together, they don’t just bring their love and best intentions.They also bring their stuff.

We all carry beliefs shaped by our past—many of them formed so early we don’t even realise they’re running the show. Things like:

• I’m not enough

• I’m too much

• I’m not lovable

• People leave

When we hold these beliefs deep down (often without knowing), we can start to filter everything our partner does through that lens. A delayed reply to a text might feel like rejection. A disagreement can feel like abandonment. A bit of distance might trigger a panic that love is fading.

And we’re not reacting to our partner in the present—we’re reacting to something old. Something from before them. I’ve seen this pattern so often in my clients. And I’ve experienced it myself. Even in my own marriage, we’ve had to face seasons where things felt disconnected or strained. And every time, it came down to understanding—what were we each bringing into the relationship? What were we reacting to that wasn’t actually happening right now?

Learning to See Each Other Clearly

The moment we stop expecting our partner to be responsible for our wounds—and start being curious about our own inner world—things change.

It’s not about blame. It’s about awareness.

In a relationship, each person sees the world through their own lens, shaped by childhood, past experiences, family dynamics, and beliefs. And when those lenses clash (which they will), miscommunication, hurt feelings, and resentment can creep in.

But with a little understanding—and a willingness to listen rather than react—it’s possible to see each other more clearly.

Why Acceptance and Change Can Coexist

One of the keys to the longevity of my relationship has been accepting that we will both change.

The person I married is not exactly the same person I’m married to now.

And the same goes for me.

Relationships aren’t about staying the same—they’re about growing together. Supporting each other through life’s seasons, learning how to reconnect when things feel off, and letting go of the fantasy that anyone else will ever “complete” us.

It’s two people choosing, every day, to share their lives. Not out of obligation—but out of intention.

How QCH Therapy Can Support Relationship Growth

This is where Cognitive Hypnotherapy (QCH) can be a game-changer.

Not because it “fixes” your relationship—but because it helps you understand what’s really going on underneath the surface.

QCH helps individuals uncover and shift the beliefs, patterns, and emotional wounds they’re bringing into the relationship—often without even realising it. When you can see where your reactions come from, you begin to respond with more calm and compassion. You stop making your partner the enemy and start recognising the old stories playing out.

This work can be deeply empowering. Because when you begin to feel safer, more secure, and more worthy, the whole dynamic in your relationship begins to shift.

Let’s Be Honest—Relationships Are Messy and Beautiful

There is no perfect partner. No perfect marriage.But there is the possibility of a strong, loving connection when both people are willing to show up with honesty and kindness—not just for each other, but for themselves.

If you’re in a season of struggle, or if you just feel like something’s been “off” for a while, know that you’re not alone. These challenges are part of being human.

And you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Ready to Understand Your Relationship More Deeply?

If you’re facing difficulties in your relationship—or even if you just want to strengthen the foundation—QCH Therapy can help you understand the deeper patterns at play and begin to create change from the inside out.

I offer a free consultation where we can talk about what’s going on for you, and how therapy might help. No pressure. Just a conversation to explore whether this could be the support you need.

Because love isn’t about being perfect. It’s about choosing each other — over and over— while learning how to love yourself, too.