Boundaries Create Safety, Not Distance

What boundaries are really about and why they’re not meant to push people away.

I had a conversation recently that stuck with me. The person was talking about how some people use the word "boundaries" in a way that feels... off. Like a shield. Or a way to justify being unkind. He said it felt like boundaries had become an excuse for selfishness, a reason to disconnect instead of relate.

And I get it. I’ve seen that too. But I also know that real boundaries, healthy boundaries, are not about being selfish or shutting people out. They’re about choosing what to let in.

What Boundaries Are (and Aren’t)

Boundaries are not a punishment. They’re not a way to control or shame someone. And they’re not a weapon used to get people to do what we want. If they are, then yes, those are fear-based boundaries, driven by pain or powerlessness. And they rarely lead to better relationships.

But growth-based boundaries are something else entirely. They’re the invisible lines that define where you end and someone else begins. They protect your time, energy, values and wellbeing. They are how we communicate what we can and can’t hold, with kindness, clarity, and compassion.

You’re not saying: “Get away from me.” You’re saying: “This is what I need to stay connected to myself.” The first pushes people away because we feel unsafe. The second invites closeness, but in a way that is respectful and sustainable.

You’re not pushing people out. You’re choosing what to let in.

Why I struggled with boundaries for years

Before I did my own therapy, boundaries felt impossible. When you carry a deep belief that you’re not enough, it’s hard to say no. You want to prove your worth by being helpful, agreeable, selfless. Exhaustion doesn’t feel like a good enough reason to cancel plans. Needing space feels selfish. So you keep pouring from a cup that’s already empty.

I remember once feeling guilty for saying no to babysitting for a friend – even though I had just worked a 60-hour week and had nothing left to give. I didn’t think my tiredness was a good enough reason. Because I didn’t think I was a good enough reason.

It’s only when I started healing that I realised this: Boundaries aren’t a rejection of others. They’re an act of self-acceptance.

There’s a quote by therapist Nedra Tawwab that I often share with clients: "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously."

That’s the heart of it. Healthy boundaries make relationships stronger. They allow us to show up more fully, without resentment. They help us stay open, without being overwhelmed.

What healthy boundaries sound like

• "I’m so glad you reached out. I don’t have the capacity to talk today, but I’d love to catch up later this week."

• "I’m really happy for you, but I’m not in the right headspace to go to that event right now."

• "I need some time alone to recharge. It’s not about you. It’s something I need to stay well."

These aren’t cold. They’re kind. Clear. Respectful. And they’re rooted in a simple truth: your worth doesn’t depend on how much you give.

When Others Push Back

Here’s the hard bit. Sometimes when you start setting boundaries, people don’t like it. They might feel hurt, or get defensive, or accuse you of changing. And that can feel really uncomfortable.

But it’s not your job to manage someone else’s feelings.

Read that again.

When you set a boundary with kindness and clarity, when you express your needs without blame or shame, you are not responsible for how someone else reacts. Their reaction is about their own beliefs, their own fears, their own stories. Maybe your boundary triggers their fear of rejection or abandonment. Whatever it is, it’s not about you.

Of course, that doesn’t mean we ignore people’s feelings. We can care. We can stay kind. But we can’t contort ourselves to avoid their discomfort.

And that, in itself, is another boundary. Learning where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins.

If boundaries have been hard for you…

You’re not alone. Many of us were raised to please others, put ourselves last, or avoid conflict at all costs. But setting boundaries isn’t about becoming harsh. It’s about becoming honest.

It takes practice. It takes healing. And often, it takes support.

If you’re tired of overgiving, overexplaining, or feeling resentful when your needs go unmet, it might be time to explore where your boundaries are really coming from. Whether they’re missing entirely, or showing up as defensiveness instead of clarity.

This is work we can do together – gently, and at your pace. You can download my Boundaries Handout, and then why not reach out for a free chat →

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it selfish to set boundaries?

Not at all. Boundaries aren’t about putting yourself first at the expense of others. They’re about making sure you’re well enough to show up in your life and relationships.

What if someone gets upset when I set a boundary?

That can happen, especially if they’re used to you always saying yes. But other people’s discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re changing a dynamic.

How do I know if a boundary is healthy?

Ask yourself: Am I setting this from fear or from care? Am I trying to control someone else, or am I honouring what I need? Healthy boundaries are based on self-awareness, not punishment.

Can you help me learn to set boundaries?

Absolutely. Whether you need help finding your voice or untangling old beliefs that make boundaries feel unsafe, this is something we can work on together.