When Perimenopause Makes You Feel Distant

How changing hormones can affect connection, and how to navigate it with more understanding and grace

There is something I hear again and again from women in midlife, and I have felt it myself.

You look at your relationship and think, "Why do I feel so flat?" You look at your friendships and wonder, "Why do I not feel as connected as I used to?" You look at yourself and quietly ask, "Where did the old me go?"

For a while I thought a lot of this was simply because of Covid. During the pandemic we were all cut off from normal life. I felt that same disconnection so many people describe. Less energy to see people. Less interest in reaching out. More retreating into my own little bubble.

But as life opened back up, something did not shift back in the way I expected. The distance did not fully close. My sense of connection felt different. That is when I started really looking into perimenopause and discovered just how much estradiol, a form of oestrogen, affects our mood, stress levels and sense of closeness with others.

Suddenly it made a lot more sense.

And when I began talking to friends, many of them quietly admitted they had been feeling the same. Less connected. Less available. Less like themselves. All of us thinking the others were pulling away, when in reality we were all going through our own version of the same hormonal storm.

When hormones change, connection can feel different

Perimenopause is not just about hot flushes and irregular periods. It is a time when hormones like estradiol and progesterone start to fluctuate and then gradually decline. Those shifts affect the brain and nervous system, and with that they can affect mood, energy, sleep, stress levels and how we relate to other people.

You might notice things like:

• Feeling more irritable or reactive with your partner

• Becoming overwhelmed by noise, demands or social plans

• Wanting more alone time, even from people you love

• Feeling less interested in intimacy or touch

• Taking things more personally, or feeling more hurt by small comments

  
  

If you do not know what is going on hormonally, it is very easy to make this all about you as a person or about the relationship itself.

You might think, "I am failing as a wife or partner."

Or, "I am a bad friend because I keep cancelling."

Or, "If I really loved them, I would not feel like this."

In reality, your brain and body are adjusting to a huge internal shift. None of this makes your feelings less real. It simply means there is a reason your capacity has changed.

When everyone pulls back at once

One of the hardest parts of perimenopause is that many of your close female friends may be going through it at the same time.

You feel tired and overwhelmed, so you pull back from social plans. Your friend is in the same place, so she pulls back too.Neither of you wants to burden the other, so no one says, "I am struggling." Both of you quietly start to believe the other has lost interest.

The result is a very lonely kind of misunderstanding. You lose exactly the circle you need at the time you need it most.

If this has happened in your life, please know you are not alone and you are not imagining it. Hormones are part of the picture. So are midlife responsibilities, caring roles, careers and life changes. It is a lot.

Partners, intimacy and feeling like a different person

Relationships at home can be especially affected.

You might find yourself:

• Snapping at your partner more often

• Feeling less affectionate or less interested in sex

• Struggling with body image as your shape, weight or energy changes

• Feeling guilty for wanting space, or furious that no one seems to understand

  
  

From the outside, a partner may see someone who has become distant, cold or critical. On the inside, you might feel like you are holding yourself together with string.

This is where communication, compassion and education really matter.

Sometimes it is as simple as sitting down and saying, "I do not feel like myself at the moment," or, "My hormones are changing and it is affecting my mood and energy. I still care about you. I just need us to work through this together."

You do not have to explain the full science of estradiol and neurotransmitters. If it helps, you can share a short video or article that explains menopause and its impact on women in simple terms, especially for partners who want to understand. Then add your own words about what you are feeling and what might help.

For example:

• "I need more gentle time together and less pressure for sex right now."

• "If I pull back, please ask how I am, rather than assuming I am angry with you."

• "I might need you to take the lead on planning things, because my brain is foggy."

  
  

This is not about blaming hormones. It is about naming what is real, so you can stay on the same team.

What you can do on the inside

Hormones are a big piece of the puzzle, but they are not the whole story. Perimenopause can also stir up deeper beliefs that were already there.

Thoughts like:

"I am getting older. I am less attractive."

"I am too much now. Too emotional. Too sensitive."

"I am not as useful, so I am less valuable."

These beliefs can shape how you show up in relationships. You might withdraw before anyone can reject you. Overcompensate to prove your worth. Or shut down your needs because you tell yourself everyone else has enough to cope with already.

This is where the kind of work I do as a Cognitive Hypnotherapist can really help. We look at the stories underneath the surface. The ideas you may have carried since childhood about being loved, wanted or enough. By bringing those into awareness and gently updating them, we make it easier for you to relate from a place of self-worth rather than fear.

For some women, especially where there has been earlier trauma or painful experiences around relationships, loss or health, Somatic EMDR can also be very supportive. It allows the nervous system to process old experiences that still live in the body, so current challenges do not feel so overwhelming.

Hormones might be the match. Old beliefs and unprocessed experiences can be the fuel. Working on both can bring a lot more ease.

You are not failing. You are changing.

If you recognise yourself in any of this, I want you to know:

You are not failing as a partner or friend.

You are not broken or unlovable.

You are moving through a huge, complex transition that affects mind, body and relationships.

With more understanding, honest conversations and the right support, it is possible to feel more connected again. Both to others and to yourself.

I am in this season too. I know how disorienting it can feel. And I also know how powerful it is when you start to make sense of what is happening and find ways to move through it with more kindness and choice.

If you would like support with this, you are very welcome to reach out. I offer a free, no pressure consultation where we can talk about what you are going through and whether working together might feel like a good fit.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if it is hormones or my relationship?

Sometimes it is a mixture of both. If the relationship was generally steady before and things changed around the time your cycle became irregular or other menopause symptoms began, hormones may be playing a big part. If there were long term issues, these might feel more intense now. Support can help you untangle the two.

What can I say to my partner about how I am feeling?

You do not have to have perfect words. You could start with something like, "I am in perimenopause and it is affecting how I feel, even when nothing is wrong between us. I still care about you and I would like us to understand this together." Sharing a short video or article, then adding your own words, can really help.

What if my friends and I have drifted apart?

It can be painful when friendships feel less close. If it feels safe, you might gently reach out and say, "I have pulled back a bit because I have been struggling, but I miss you." Often other women will say, "Me too," and you discover you were never the only one finding it hard.

Can therapy really help during perimenopause?

Yes. Therapy cannot change your hormones, but it can help you understand your reactions, soften harsh self-beliefs, and find kinder ways to relate to yourself and others. Approaches like Cognitive Hypnotherapy and Somatic EMDR can support both the emotional impact of hormonal change and any earlier experiences that these changes might be stirring up.