How Do I Stop Caring What People Think?

What internal validation really looks like, and why it changes everything

A friend said something to me the other day that really stuck. She was talking about how much she cares what people think of her, especially at work. Right now, she’s been put in a role that’s outside her comfort zone. It’s not her skillset, not really her remit, and she’s struggling to feel like she’s performing. Every day feels like a tightrope walk of anxiety, second-guessing herself, worrying about what people think, whether she’s doing enough, whether she’s good enough.

And I get it. I’ve been there.

There’s a line between caring because we want to do a good job and caring so much that we’re constantly in fear. One is about integrity. The other is about survival.

When we’re operating from that fear state, we’re not just trying to protect our job. We’re trying to protect our identity. Our worth. Our safety.

That’s when I know this goes deeper.

Why We All Start with External Validation

There’s something MY therapist once taught me that completely changed the way I looked at this. It’s the concept of Internal Locus of Control (ILOC) vs External Locus of Control (ELOC).

In simple terms, it means this:

• Are you getting your sense of self-worth, security, and lovability from within yourself?

• Or are you constantly seeking it from the outside world?

When we’re young, it’s natural for us to get our worth from outside ourselves. We literally depend on our caregivers to feed us, cuddle us, keep us safe. So approval equals survival. We learn fast that if we’re “good,” we’re more likely to get love, and if we’re loved, we’re more likely to get what we need.

The problem is, many of us never grow out of that pattern.

Instead of turning inward to ask, “Am I okay?” we keep looking outwards for proof. From our bosses, our partners, our friends, even strangers on social media. And when that validation doesn’t come, or doesn’t come in the way we need, it shakes us. We spiral. We feel small.

I Lived Like This for Years

For me, this belief that I wasn’t enough led to three full-blown burnouts. Not just because I was working too much, but because of what was driving me.

That subconscious voice was loud. You have to prove yourself. You have to be better. You have to keep everyone happy. You have to be more.

The problem with this is that even when people did tell me I was doing well, it never stuck. It felt nice for a moment, but it didn’t land. It was like trying to fix a broken leg with a sticker. Until I found internal validation, nothing from the outside ever felt like enough. Because I didn’t believe it. Not really.

Internal Validation Isn’t Arrogance. It’s Quiet Confidence

Some people confuse this work with becoming arrogant. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the quiet kind of confidence that says, “I am okay. I am enough.” Even when things go wrong. Even when you mess up. Even when someone else is disappointed in you.

It’s not about never caring what anyone thinks ever again. I still care what people think. That’s human. But I don’t depend on it in the way I used to. And that’s the difference.

How Do You Get There?

It’s a journey, and it starts with uncovering the belief.

That story you’re carrying. The one that says, “I’m not enough unless…”

Unless I succeed. Unless I please everyone. Unless I never get it wrong.

Through Cognitive Hypnotherapy, we gently bring that belief into the light. We find where it started. We challenge it. And we begin to rewrite the story.

Sometimes it’s rooted in childhood trauma or experiences that we’ve long buried, and that’s where Somatic EMDR can be helpful too, particularly if the belief is tied to a distressing or unresolved event. We don’t always need to talk through every detail. We just need to work with the part of your mind that’s still holding the fear.

Once the belief starts to shift, the behaviours often follow naturally. You’re not just trying to believe you’re enough — you know it, deep down.

And when you know it deep down, you don’t need every person in every room to prove it to you. You can walk into the room with that belief already in your pocket.

If you’re tired of caring what everyone thinks, of questioning yourself, chasing approval, or feeling like you’ll never quite be enough — I’d love to help. You can learn more about how I work, or get in touch for a no-pressure chat to see if therapy might be right for you.

Frequently Asked Questions

What’s the difference between internal and external validation?

External validation means you rely on praise, approval or reassurance from others to feel okay. Internal validation means you have a grounded sense of your own worth that isn’t dependent on outside opinions.

Can therapy really help with people-pleasing and fear of judgement?

Yes. Cognitive Hypnotherapy helps shift the subconscious beliefs that drive people-pleasing. And EMDR can be especially helpful if your fear of judgement is linked to past trauma or distressing experiences.

Do I need to know where the belief came from?

No — sometimes you do, and sometimes you don’t. Cognitive Hypnotherapy is designed to help you uncover and change the root belief, even if you’re not sure where it came from at first.

Will I stop caring completely what people think?

No — and that’s not the goal. The aim isn’t to never care. It’s to stop depending on it. You’ll still be thoughtful and empathetic, but not ruled by fear or self-doubt.