What boundaries are really about and why they’re not meant to push people away. I had a conversation recently that stuck with me. The person was talking about how some people use the word "boundaries" in a way that feels... off. Like a shield. Or a way to justify being unkind. He said it felt like boundaries had become an excuse for selfishness, a reason to disconnect instead of relate. And I get it. I’ve seen that too. But I also know that real boundaries, healthy boundaries, are not about being selfish or shutting people out . They’re about choosing what to let in. What Boundaries Are (and Aren’t) Boundaries are not a punishment. They’re not a way to control or shame someone. And they’re not a weapon used to get people to do what we want. If they are, then yes, those are fear-based boundaries, driven by pain or powerlessness. And they rarely lead to better relationships. But growth-based boundaries are something else entirely. They’re the invisible lines that define where you end and someone else begins. They protect your time, energy, values and wellbeing. They are how we communicate what we can and can’t hold, with kindness, clarity, and compassion. You’re not saying: “Get away from me.” You’re saying: “This is what I need to stay connected to myself.” The first pushes people away because we feel unsafe. The second invites closeness, but in a way that is respectful and sustainable. You’re not pushing people out. You’re choosing what to let in. Why I struggled with boundaries for years Before I did my own therapy, boundaries felt impossible. When you carry a deep belief that you’re not enough, it’s hard to say no. You want to prove your worth by being helpful, agreeable, selfless. Exhaustion doesn’t feel like a good enough reason to cancel plans. Needing space feels selfish. So you keep pouring from a cup that’s already empty. I remember once feeling guilty for saying no to babysitting for a friend – even though I had just worked a 60-hour week and had nothing left to give. I didn’t think my tiredness was a good enough reason. Because I didn’t think I was a good enough reason. It’s only when I started healing that I realised this: Boundaries aren’t a rejection of others. They’re an act of self-acceptance. There’s a quote by therapist Nedra Tawwab that I often share with clients: "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." That’s the heart of it. Healthy boundaries make relationships stronger. They allow us to show up more fully, without resentment. They help us stay open, without being overwhelmed. What healthy boundaries sound like "I’m so glad you reached out. I don’t have the capacity to talk today, but I’d love to catch up later this week." "I’m really happy for you, but I’m not in the right headspace to go to that event right now." "I need some time alone to recharge. It’s not about you. It’s something I need to stay well." These aren’t cold. They’re kind. Clear. Respectful. And they’re rooted in a simple truth: your worth doesn’t depend on how much you give. When Others Push Back Here’s the hard bit. Sometimes when you start setting boundaries, people don’t like it. They might feel hurt, or get defensive, or accuse you of changing. And that can feel really uncomfortable. But it’s not your job to manage someone else’s feelings. Read that again. When you set a boundary with kindness and clarity, when you express your needs without blame or shame, you are not responsible for how someone else reacts. Their reaction is about their own beliefs, their own fears, their own stories. Maybe your boundary triggers their fear of rejection or abandonment. Whatever it is, it’s not about you. Of course, that doesn’t mean we ignore people’s feelings. We can care. We can stay kind. But we can’t contort ourselves to avoid their discomfort. And that, in itself, is another boundary. Learning where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins. If boundaries have been hard for you… You’re not alone. Many of us were raised to please others, put ourselves last, or avoid conflict at all costs. But setting boundaries isn’t about becoming harsh. It’s about becoming honest. It takes practice. It takes healing. And often, it takes support. If you’re tired of overgiving, overexplaining, or feeling resentful when your needs go unmet, it might be time to explore where your boundaries are really coming from. Whether they’re missing entirely, or showing up as defensiveness instead of clarity. This is work we can do together – gently, and at your pace. You can download my Boundaries Handout , and then why not reach out for a free chat → Frequently Asked Questions Is it selfish to set boundaries? Not at all. Boundaries aren’t about putting yourself first at the expense of others. They’re about making sure you’re well enough to show up in your life and relationships. What if someone gets upset when I set a boundary? That can happen, especially if they’re used to you always saying yes. But other people’s discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re changing a dynamic. How do I know if a boundary is healthy? Ask yourself: Am I setting this from fear or from care? Am I trying to control someone else, or am I honouring what I need? Healthy boundaries are based on self-awareness, not punishment. Can you help me learn to set boundaries? Absolutely. Whether you need help finding your voice or untangling old beliefs that make boundaries feel unsafe, this is something we can work on together.

When life breaks your heart, and you lose the life you imagined, how do you rebuild something meaningful from the pieces? Six years ago, the life I had imagined ended. The dream I had clung to for so long, the one of being a mum, was over. Not because I chose it to be, but because life chose otherwise. After a long and painful journey, we lost the two daughters we were meant to adopt. And with them, I lost the future I thought I was building. There are moments in life when everything shifts. When the ground beneath you disappears and the person you thought you were doesn’t quite make sense anymore. That’s what this was for me. I wasn’t just grieving the loss of them. I was grieving the loss of the version of myself that had always imagined. And underneath the grief, something else started to take root. A quiet, cruel voice that said: maybe I wasn’t good enough. Maybe I wouldn’t have been a good mum. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough, deserving enough, or somehow had failed in a way I couldn’t explain. Trauma has a way of doing that, of kicking us when we’re already down, of making us question our worth just when we need compassion the most. That experience cracked something open in me. It didn’t just break my heart, it shook the very beliefs I held about who I was and what I deserved . And that’s the thing about trauma. It’s not always about what happened. It’s about what we come to believe about ourselves because of it. When the Past Stays Stuck Even after the worst was over, I couldn’t move on. I was still stuck in the moments, the memories, the should-have-beens. I’d try to talk it out. Try to make sense of it. But no amount of conscious reasoning could quiet the ache in my chest or the belief that somehow, I had failed. That’s when I found EMDR. At first, I didn’t quite understand how it could help. But I was willing to try anything that might stop the endless replay in my mind. And immediately, something started to shift. EMDR let my brain process it in a different way, like it finally had the space and safety to file the memory away, instead of living it again and again. What surprised me most was how it began to change not just how I felt, but what I believed. That voice saying I wasn’t enough began to soften. I could feel the pain without it defining me. It didn’t mean I stopped grieving. It just meant I wasn’t stuck there anymore. A New Direction As the intensity of the trauma eased, I started to explore coaching. Not the kind of surface-level motivation you sometimes see online, but the deep, values-based coaching that helps you reconnect with who you are now and what matters most. For the first time in a long time, I stopped asking “Why did this happen?” and started asking, “Where do I go from here?” I looked at my core values. I noticed where I felt most like myself. And bit by bit, I began to build a new path. One that honoured what I had been through, while still allowing for something meaningful to grow. That path led me to becoming a therapist myself. First Cognitive Hypnotherapy, then Somatic EMDR. I trained in the very methods that helped me through the darkest chapter of my life. And now, I use them to help others through theirs. If You’re in That Place Now Maybe you’re reading this and you’ve lost something too. A dream. A role. A version of your life that didn’t turn out the way you hoped. If so, I want you to know this: it’s not your fault. You didn’t fail. And you don’t have to stay stuck in the pain forever. EMDR and coaching aren’t magic fixes, but they are powerful, evidence-based ways to help you make sense of what happened and reconnect with a future that still holds meaning. A future that might look different than you expected, but one that can still be rich and full of purpose. How I Can Help If something in this blog resonated with you, if you’re carrying pain from the past, or feel lost about what comes next, know that you’re not alone. I offer Somatic EMDR, Cognitive Hypnotherapy, and coaching in a gentle, personalised way that meets you where you are. Whether you're looking to heal trauma, shift long-held beliefs, or rediscover what truly matters to you, I'd be honoured to support you on that journey. You can learn more about my approach or get in touch for a free, no-pressure chat. You’re not broken. You’re not too late. And your story isn’t over. FAQs What is EMDR and how does it work? EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) helps the brain process distressing memories by using bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements or tapping, while you focus on a past experience. This allows your brain to reprocess the memory in a more adaptive way, reducing its emotional charge and helping you feel more in control. Can EMDR help with feelings of failure or not being enough? Yes. EMDR is particularly effective in shifting negative core beliefs that often develop during trauma. It can help reframe thoughts like “I’m not enough” into more compassionate, grounded beliefs like “I did my best” or “I am okay now.” Is this a safe space for grief and trauma that feels complicated? Absolutely. I offer a trauma-trained, gentle, and down-to-earth approach. Whether your grief feels too big, too complicated, or too long-lasting, you are welcome here, exactly as you are.

It Wasn’t About Thinking Differently. It Was About Believing I Was Enough. CBT I tried CBT. More than once, actually. And in some ways, it really helped. I learned to notice my unhelpful thoughts. I practised challenging them. I journaled. I had tools. But even with all that, I burned out. Again. And again. And again. Because no matter how many times I told myself I didn’t need to prove anything… Deep down, I still believed I wasn’t enough . That belief didn’t live in my conscious thoughts. It was buried deeper — underneath the overthinking, underneath the drive to do more, be more, help more. It was in the background of every "yes" I said when I wanted to say no. Every time I put someone else first. Every time I pushed through stress and exhaustion because the idea of “not doing enough” made me feel physically ill. Three burnouts. And I still didn’t get it. Until I started working with someone who didn’t just ask me what I was thinking. They helped me uncover what I believed, and when/where I learned it. Coping vs Healing CBT is a wonderful, evidence-based tool. And for many people, it brings real results. It’s structured. It’s practical. It gives you something to do . But when the issue isn’t the behaviour itself — it’s the belief driving it — changing your behaviour can feel like trying to patch a leak without turning off the tap. I could reframe a thought. But I couldn’t stop the subconscious pressure that said, “If you stop achieving, they’ll see you’re not enough.” What finally helped me shift that belief — and the emotional weight that came with it — was a different kind of work. Cognitive Hypnotherapy helped me find the original “seed” of those beliefs, and gently loosen their grip. And slowly, I started to make different choices. Not because I was forcing  myself to behave differently — but because the pressure to prove myself was gone. I truly believed i was enough. Science That Backs It Up I’m not the only one who’s found this helpful.A pilot study published in the Mental Health Review Journal (2015) found that 71% of clients who received Cognitive Hypnotherapy for anxiety or depression considered themselves “recovered” after just four sessions. This compared to around 42% of those using traditional approaches like CBT. That doesn’t mean CBT is wrong. But it does suggest that for some people — especially those with deeper, belief-driven patterns — a more flexible, integrative approach can make a bigger difference, faster. When I Needed More Than Talking Later, when I went through one of the most painful experiences of my life — the traumatic loss of our adoptive daughters — I realised again that not all healing happens through talking. No amount of journaling or thought-challenging could touch the depth of that grief. This is when I turned to EMDR . And not just any EMDR, but a gentle, somatic approach that helped my nervous system slowly feel safe again. That’s the thing about trauma — it isn’t just in the mind. It’s in the body. And unless we include the body in the process, part of us stays stuck. Read about the lingering effects of trauma here . For me, combining Cognitive Hypnotherapy  and Somatic EMDR  created a space where I could grieve, release, and actually move forward. It helped me not just manage my emotions, but truly begin to heal them. How I Can Help If you’ve been trying your best but something still feels stuck… if the same patterns keep showing up even when you know better… it’s not because you’re doing it wrong. It’s often because something deeper is driving it — and that part of you might need more than logic or tools. It might need compassion, curiosity, and a different way of working. That’s what I offer in therapy. A safe space to explore the root of what’s going on. Not to rehash your past — but to gently untangle the parts of it that still echo today. If you're curious whether Cognitive Hypnotherapy or Somatic EMDR could help, feel free to reach out. I'm always happy to answer questions, and I offer a free consultation if you'd like to talk more about what support could look like for you. FAQs About Therapy Approaches Q: What’s the difference between CBT and Cognitive Hypnotherapy? CBT focuses on identifying and challenging unhelpful thoughts, mostly through structured, conscious exercises. Cognitive Hypnotherapy works at both the conscious and unconscious levels — helping you shift the beliefs and emotional patterns that may be fuelling those thoughts in the first place. Q: Can Cognitive Hypnotherapy work for anxiety and burnout? Yes. It’s particularly effective when anxiety or burnout is driven by internal pressure, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or limiting beliefs like “I’m not enough.” It helps reduce the emotional “charge” around these beliefs so they don’t run the show. Q: I’ve tried CBT and it didn’t help. How is this different? CBT is often a top-down approach — changing how you think  in order to change how you feel . Cognitive Hypnotherapy often goes the other way around: helping you change what you believe and feel , which in turn changes how you think and behave . Q: How does Somatic EMDR fit into this? When trauma is involved — whether it’s a big event or a long pattern of feeling unsafe — it often lives in the body. Somatic EMDR uses gentle techniques to help the nervous system release those stuck memories and reactions, making deeper healing possible.